No Need to Judge Me, I am Doing It Enough for the Both of Us

No, seriously, however much thought you gave to what I said or did, I probably gave it twice as much thought. I probably judged myself and researched inside myself and gave myself a harsher score than you did.

I gave a brief at work the other day and I found myself saying, "Um", more than usual.  I could hear myself saying it which distracted me, so I said it again.  I wondered if the audience was judging me, then I realized that they probably forgot about it, but I didn't.

A few days later, I made a comment disagreeing with someone. I knew what I said was okay but I spent the next 30 minutes trying to decide if I said it in the best way possible. Was there a better way that I could have worded my comment that would have had a more successful outcome?

I am not the kind of person who spends hours in the mirror caring  what others think about how I look, but I do think that in certain situations, it is important to present the best you possible.  I am also not the kind of person who will bend my morals to appeal to others, but I do try to see other perspectives and share mine in a respectful manner.  I am the kind of person who likes to see people comfortable and happy and I try to help make that happen for them when I can. As a result, I often over think what I say or rethink previous conversations or situations.  

These are the types of thoughts that go through my head...

I noticed the Daycare did not have bubble wands, I think I'll buy some. Oh wait, am I allowed to buy them? Do they have to use a certain brand? Maybe I should ask.

I have a similar story to what she is talking about, I think I will share it so she knows she is not alone. Wait? Will it look like I am trying to Bogart the conversation? Maybe I should hold the story back.

Why did I just share so much?

Did I talk too much in that meeting? Maybe they missed my point.

Why didn't I speak up more strongly about that? I know better.

As you can see, I am a constant filter for myself and even then I second guess myself.  It is not about trying to be someone else or changing for others, it is about being the best friend, employee, confidant, sister, mom, aunt and wife I can be. I feel that it is important to be self aware and strive to be the best me.

I am sure that I am not alone in my internal process, so I urge you to remember that when you go to judge someone.  People are not perfect, but they are trying and if they are like me, they are already judging themselves.