Communication Series Part 1 - Listening

Yesterday I started a Communication series and I am excited to get into it.  Because it is my blog and I can start wherever I want, I am going to start with my favorite topic...Listening!

 

Listening, in my opinion, is possibly the most important part of communicating. If you are not actively listening, you cannot learn anything from the conversation and there is no point in the other party even opening their mouths.  A successful conversation depends on both parties be willing to listen and take in what the other person is saying.

 

With that in mind, here are some ways to help make your conversations more successful.

 

 

Wait to form your reply until the other person is done talking.

It is a fairly typical human behaviour to allow your brain to start thinking about what the other person is saying as they talk and to even take it to the next step and start to create a response in your head while they are still talking.  While this is natural, it is not helpful. If you are thinking and mentally replying, you are not giving the other person your full attention.  While it is true that most people can listen at a faster rate than the human's talk, using that extra brain power to do anything other than listen will take away from the conversation. Further, when we create a response, we want to verbally share that which  results in talking over the other person or even cutting them off.  Women tend to tolerate this behavior better than men when with other females as they consider it talking with each other, but eventually it will irritate women, also. Believe it or not, it is better to allow a few seconds to lapse before speaking than it is to cut someone off. So, take your time. Listen with your full attention, then respond.

  

Don't assume you know what they are going to say

For so many reasons, we assume we know what another person is going to say.  We make assumptions based on our own past experiences with a person, the way they look, their profession, the setting, their age and various other predetermined reasons. Unfortunately, when we do this, we may miss out on important information, feelings or knowledge. When we listen with an open mind and fully take in what the other person is saying, we open up a whole new world of possibilities in our conversations. Try it. You might be surprised 

 

Clarify

A large part of listening is understating. Unfortunately, sometimes we think we understand, but we are not on the same page as the speaker. The best way to ensure that this does not happen is to clarify. If someone tells you something, repeat it back. Even if it is just your spouse asking to you to grab milk at the store, as you walk out, say, "so you just want me to grab a gallon of skin milk?"  That 10 second question may save an additional trip to the store or an argument when you return. And no, I am not saying that you need to repeat everything someone says, but when there is potential for lack of understanding or when it is really important, repeating back will solve alot of future heartache. It may also help the speaker to become a more clear communicator.

 

Take Action

When you listen, act like it.  Sitting up and making eye contact can help you to focus. If you are on the phone, look away from other distractions to make virtual eye contact. By preparing your body to listen, it helps your mind to focus.

 

Put down your phone

And any other distractions that might take away from the conversation.

I have always loved this quote
and think it can apply to so much more
than just children.  Your spouse or your
boss may also stop sharing if you
do not focus on what they have
to share.  

When someone walks into your office or sits down with you at the table to talk, put down your phone, stop typing that email and focus on the conversation.  You may think that you can play candy crush and listen, but you cannot do it effectively.  You can certainly hear the noises they are making, but you will not be able to totally take in what they are saying.  When you listen to someone show them that what they are saying is important by acting like it.  If you cannot stop what you are doing, be clear about it. Let them know that you want to hear what they have to say and that you need a minute to finish your task. Invite them to sit for a minute or let them know that you will happy to listen in just a few  minutes. Make sure they know that you are not putting them off but more, you are trying to provide them with the focus that they deserve.








I challenge you to try these things for one whole week and see if your communications improve.  You may suprised how you can improve a conversatation by just becoming a better listener.

 

Communication Series

When I studied communication in college, I found it completely fascinating. I loved learning about each little detail. As I get older, I love seeing those details come to life in my real adult world where communication is not just fascinating, but also necessary. Wait, let me correct myself, where EFFECTIVE communication is necessary.

I love this quote. I am going to take a minute to let you read it and really let it sink in.

Did you read it? Read it again. Now think about it for at least 30 seconds. Now that you have thought about it, are you reminded how important communication is?

I feel so strongly about this that I want to write a series about communication. I want to write about listening (a favorite topic of mine), understanding, writing, talking, non-verbal communication and who knows what else. I just want to help anyone who wants to read my thoughts and listen to anyone who wants to share their own.

I am going to start with listening and hope to have my thoughts posted by tomorrow. I touched on this topic on my post about Being the Right Person in your Relationships, but I am excited to really delve into it.

Over the next month, please check back in to see what I have added to this series.

To Those of You Who Only Post Good Things on Facebook

I have seen many posts about people who are, "too cheery on social media", you know those people who only post the good things.  And you know what I want to say about those people? Good for you!

Good for you for seeing the beauty in your husband, your children, your friends, your job, your life.  Good for you for wanting to share things that are lovely and positive and are gifts from God. Good for you for realizing that some things are best kept personal.

To be clear, I am not a fan of fake people. I don't think anyone wants to see a friend post about her great marriage when we know, behind the scenes, it's miserable. I'm not saying that.

I am also not suggesting that everyone's life is a ray of sunshine.  If you have a sick family member and are asking for good thoughts and prayers, I think that it is lovely that you are reaching out for support. In the same vein, if you have a challenge that you think your FB friends might have good advice for, do it.  Who is isn't a fan of learn from other's experiences? And, yes, we all have bad commutes, days or weeks where FB might be a great place to vent.

I am simply suggesting that we should go a little easy on those people who post positive things all the time. They are happy and they probably work hard making the choice each day to be happy.  Don't knock them for that.  Let them be happy and stop juding so much.
 
 

Should you Really Live Like you are Dying?

I am often torn between the idea that I should live like I am dying and the fact that I have to help my children build themselves into a successful adult for a successful future. 

For example, do I snuggle my son for an extra few minutes because tomorrow is never guaranteed or should I make him go to bed on time because he will be a better student tomorrow and I know he is more successful with structure?

For some reason this has really been on my mind alot and I am realizing that living like you are dying does not mean you have to be careless, reckless or even a soft parent.  I am realizing that, for me, it means something totally different and it starts with God.

The first thing that I think of when I think of death is heaven. I think of wanting to get to heaven. I think of wanting to be in the full presence of God and seeing the loved ones that have gone before me. So, why, if my goal is to get to heaven, do I connect things like skydiving and trips to Europe with living like it's my last day?

If tomorrow were really my last day, what would I have wanted to have accomplished? Well, I know for a fact that I would want my children to know and love God. I would also want them to walk with confidence and generosity. I would want them to know that being kind is important, as is being responsible.  I would want them to know that I believe strongly in education and I think that could include getting trained in a good trade or spending time abroad. I want them to know that they should always be themselves while striving to be their best self.  I would also want my husband to know that I think he is a great dad and that he could be a great dad without me because he loves our kids greatly.

I could go on with all of the things in my head that I would want to accomplish, but I think you get the point.  What I would have wanted to accomplish is way more about what I want to leave others with than what I want to have taken with me.  With that being the case, why can't living like I am dying also be living with my and my family's future in mind? Why do they have to be separate? I have decided that they do not.

Now, this does not mean that I do not have trips that I would like to take or other future goals, but it does mean that perhaps my perspective by tying them to a "bucket list" may change. It means that making my children go to bed on time or snuggling them a little more will be a product of what they need that the day and not based on what the next day may bring.

Trying a Detox Cleanse

So, I have decided that I really need to get serious about losing weight and getting healthy.  With that, I am trying a detox/cleanse this week to help me rid myself of my cravings so that I can make better future choices.  This is not something that I will stick with, as I know that it is unrealitic, but I am using it as a jump start and prove to myself that I can have some willpower.

The basics are that you have a protien smoothie for breakfast and lunch and a whole grain for dinner. Additionally, you can eat fruits and veggies all day.  So far, I am half a day in. I am not hungry, but I am also not satsfied. I know it is all in my brain, but I really think I would feel better with a caramel late and a piece of pumpkin bread. :-)

 

I told myself that I would weigh myself on Friday. Maybe it will be worth it if I have lost 30 lbs by then. :-)

I will update then to let you  know how it went and if 5 days was long enough to start to reset my bad eating patterns. Until then, wish me luck!

Advice for My Niece as She heads Off to College

My niece left for college this weekend and all summer I thought about things that I wanted to tell her.

We talked about alot, but there are still more things that I want you to know, Mattie.

Pick your friends wisely, they will be your family.  Be open to all sorts of people that you may be friendly with, but when it comes to those close, remember that they will help shape the adult you. They are your home away from home. There are no "cool kids" in college, so just pick the ones that fit you.

Enjoy this time. Yes, classes are hard, and you do have to study, but make time for your social life. Believe it or not,  you have more choices with your time now than you will have in the future.

Get a good internship. No class that you take can really teach what it is like to work in a particular field. Experience is a great teacher.  It will also help you to get a job after graduation.

When you pick a major, research connected jobs. Don't just pick classes you like, make sure that there is a job that you would enjoy that is connected to that major. Some majors require a masters or PhD to be useful; make sure you know that going in.

Your first roommate may not be your best friend. That's okay, do not force it. Who knows, maybe they will be, but if not, just be happy to have someone who you can happily live with.

Freedom comes with responsibility.  Your choices have consequences. I know this sounds like an obvious statement, but you really have to let it resonate. You are a legal adult now and the choices you make can and will affect your future.  You can have fun and be responsible; try to do both.

Pick a designated driver even when you're not driving. What I mean is that even if you walk to a bar, be careful with your drinking.  I would never suggest that you drink to a point where you are no longer in control of your actions. Scary stuff happens once you go there. But, if you think you may drink too much, surround yourself with people who will keep you safe.

Make rules with your friends before you go out. I know this sounds silly, but sometimes, once you go out, you start to make decisions you would not have made before you were having fun at a crazy party.  Before you go out, let your friends know your boundaries so that they can try to help keep you there.  I am not saying that you should act like each other's keepers, but sometimes you need a little reminder.

You do not have to lose yourself to find yourself.  You will grow up a lot in the next four years. You will find new interests and new friends. Remember to hold on to who you are. Keep your morals and values. You can hold onto that and still grow, I promise.

Go to class. No seriously, go. When no one is taking attendance, it is very tempting to skip, but don't. When you go, it is so much easier to learn the topic. Also, some teachers will test on things they taught that are NOT in the book.

There are probably 100 more things that I could on about, but these are the ones that stand out in my head. I hope you will at least think about them. I love you and good luck!

We Can Dish it Out, But Can We Take It?

I have written a similar post before, but this topic seems to rear it's ugly head over and over for me.

As parents, do we practice what we preach? Are we holding our children to a higher standard than we hold ourselves to?

As a mom, I want better for my kids than I had and I think that is quite typical. I want them to live longer, be more prepared, have a better education, be more content, dream bigger, laugh longer, etc.  But is MY desire for THEM  be the best they can be, unfair?

I am not talking pushing them in sports or punishing them for a "B" on their report card.  That is not my personality, so I do not struggle with that.  Besides, that is a whole nother topic for a different day.

I am talking about little daily things. 

Do we tell them to limit their TV time, but then close our bedroom door to binge on our favorite show?

Do we tell them that they do not need so much sugar while hiding our hidden treat stash in the veggies? 

Do we tell them to turn off the Xbox and play outside while we stare at our phones? 

Do we tell them to keep their room clean only to know that we have a never ending pile of laundry that gets laundered but not put away. I could go on, but you get the point.

I struggle within myself wondering if it is okay that I do these things because I have a different level of responsibility than they do or is it unfair that I hold them to expectations that I, myself, do not meet?

Should I start to let them have that one extra show as I might do for myself, or should I force myself to turn off my own show? It sounds much more responsible to raise the expectations I have for myself than to lower the bar for my kids, but is my bar too high? Should the bar bet set somewhere in the middle?


I know this post is more questions than answers, but it is what is on my mind today. If you have some answers, I would love to hear them.

Family Fun in Ocean City, Maryland

Note: This post is from 2015. Although most of the activities still go on, you should check with the location for dates and times.

I love the beach, but now that I go with a family, I wanted to  try to find some things to do other than the typical beach, boarwalk, miniature golf and stuffing our faces.  Although we love all of those things, I also thought it would be fun to mix it up a little.  Here are a few things that we may try to add to our next trip.

Sundaes on the Beach (and Fireworks)  - Bring your picnic basket and beach chairs to Northside Park on 125th Street for ice cream sundaes and live entertainment. Sundaes in the Park is a family concert series offered Sunday evenings in July and August from 7pm to 9pm. For a small fee, enjoy your own ice cream sundae creation as you listen to your musical favorites and watch the sunset over the beautiful Assawoman Bay. Children's entertainment is also presented each week. The night will end with a fireworks display at 9pm.



Assateague Island (ponies) - Assateague Island wild ponies travel the beach near Chincoteague, Virginia & Ocean City, Maryland. Assateague's north entrance is eight miles from Ocean City. Assateague Island provides outdoor recreation, nature tours to see wild ponies and more.


Movies on the Beach at the Carousel - Free movies on the beach for the entire family! Bring your beach chair or a blanket and enjoy the night beside the ocean. Every Wednesday from June 1 thru August 31 - 8:30 p.m. - Carousel Hotel, 118th Street



Ripley's Believe It or Not - Experience three unique attractions including Ripley’s Believe It or Not! Odditorium, the mind-bending Marvelous Mirror Maze, and the challenging and fun Ripley’s Impossible LaseRace!



OC Beach Lights Spectacular! Show - These shows feature lasers, lights, video, fireworks, music and special effects all displayed on a 5 story tall giant beach ball. These shows will be lighting up the beach at North Division Street three times every Sunday night, Memorial Day Weekend through Labor Day Weekend, with a special Patriotic Show Saturday May 23rd. Show times are 9:30pm, 10:00pm and 10:30pm. Shows are visible along the south end of the beach and boardwalk with the best viewing area on the boardwalk at North Division Street.



Fireworks - Monday and Tuesday nights starting July 11th and continuing through August 30th, there will be fireworks on the beach. The Beach Fireworks will be lighting up the sky over the south end of the boardwalk starting at 10pm. The fireworks will also feature a musical presentation.

*For information on the Beach Lights Spectacular! or Beach Fireworks call 410-798-6304 or email nfoevent@specialeventpro.com.

School Will Start Soon

I cannot believe that it is August,already and the kids will be back to school in just a couple of weeks.  With that in mind here are the ramblings that are in my mind and my challenge for myself and parents everywhere.

 

Maybe you love summer, and maybe you don't. Maybe you're longing to get back to a schedule that's school offers, and maybe you wish summer would last for a few more weeks. Either way, try to enjoy these last few weeks with your kids.

 

Take the day off or an hour or a minute to just have fun with them. Go on a nature walk or to the pool or have a game night. Now, I am not talking about the outings where you just take them  and end up chatting with all the other Moms, I want us to engage with them. Get in the pool with them.  Do handstands or have a tea party under the water.  Participate in the nature walk trying to help them find all the things on your Scavenger hunt. Play games with them, even if its connect 4 for the 100th time. Don't just wait till it's over and hope you can quickly get back to the things you need to do.  Be with them in the moment!

 

Summers like this will be gone in the blink of an eye, and we will have plenty of time to do the dishes or take a nap but we can't get back these summer days with our kiddos.  Before we know it, they will be teenagers who just pop in between work and hanging out with friends. Or worse, they will be out of the house.  This is our time with them. Let's make it all it can be!

End the Judging!

Adults, we have got to stop judging each other!

Everywhere I look, some one is judging someone.  One mom is wrong for breastfeeding in public while another is, "ruining her child's immune system" by not breastfeeding at all.  One man is outdated for opening a door for an independent woman who, "can open the door on her own", while another is weird for staying home while his wife is the bread winner.   One person is a jerk for persecuting Christians while another is a jerk for being a Christian.

Why are we all so worried about each other that we have to, not only judge, but share it on the Internet?  People can't even post a picture of their kids, their dog or their life without being judged. I used to think that websites like The People of  Walmart were funny, but even those get to me, recently.  If someone posts a funny picture of themselves, with a caption letting you know they know it's funny, that's different.  But shouldn't people be able to go to the store with the simple expectation that as long as they mind their own business, don't hurt anyone, and don't break the law, that their picture will not be posted on social media?  

I think it is fairly normal to judge.  I think the problem comes when we share it and is exponential worsened when we share publicly.   We are all getting so numb to it, that we do not even remember that the people in the photos or on the posts are real people with real feelings.  We are becoming a society of bullies. 

Anything you do could end up on some These People are Annoying  list. ( You know, the Most Annoying People on Instagram, the Most Annoying Moms at Pick-up, The Most Annoying Co-workers...)  I do not know what flipped in me, but these lists that usually make me laugh in agreement have just started to make me sad.  I love comedy, and I know that joking is all in fun; I can handle a tasteless joke, but these lists are starting to feel mean spirited.



I saw this sign for teachers to use in the classroom encouraging kids to THINK before they speak.  If kids are expected to do this, shouldn't adults be expected to, also?

I mean, seriously, can you imagine a world in which we only considered the actions of others when they directly affected us, our loved ones or the whole of society? Can you imagine if we all only said negative things in a respectful manner and only when it was for the betterment of a person or society?

Can you imagine if we all spent so much time loving, giving, helping, enjoying, laughing, even crying, when appropriate, that we didn't have the time or focus to judge?







I know that I am not perfect. I know that I will judge someone again. Heck, I may even do it today.  Some may even say that this post is judgmental for judging people and society.

I also know, that I will try to do it less. I will try to click on less negative stories making fun and more positive stories offering inspiration. I challenge you to do the same thing.  Next time you see someone who does not act, look or dress within your expectations or within a societal norm, ask yourself what road may they have been on that got them to make that choice. Also, ask yourself, if it's not hurting me or society, why do I care? If you are not comfortable with the answer you give yourself, maybe you could consider moving your thoughts along to something else. I am certainly going to try.