Being the Right Person in Your Relationships

 

I saw this yesterday on a friend’s facebook page and it made me pause and really think about the reality of what it says.  This simple sentence is HUGE when it comes to relationships.  You could be WITH the right person, but if you are not BEING the right person, how can it work?  

Before I start, let me make myself clear that I am not, by any means, suggesting that people should change themselves for another person.  I am simply suggesting that you be the best you that you can be. I also want to be clear that sometimes two people just are not meant to be. No matter how great or ready you are, that other person may simply not be the one for you.

Now that we have gotten that out of the way, I have a few pieces of wisdom that I have been blessed enough to receive that I would like to share to I think fit this topic quite well. I hope you find that something in here helps you, too.
These are not only for spouses and significant others, they can go for any relationships in your life.
 

Relationships are Not 50/50

I know that this sounds odd, but once you come to terms with it, things get easier.  Sometimes you are the one that has to give 60% or maybe even all 100%.   Sometimes your loved one is at a place where they cannot give their fair share. Maybe they are sick or injured, maybe they are under a lot of stress, it doesn’t matter.  For whatever the reason, when you are called upon to give more than your 50%, be willing to do it.  

Be Clear About Your Needs

This goes with the above; sometimes your partner will need to be the one to give more.  When this is the case, be clear.  Many times we expect our other half to be a mind reader, but they are not.  If you need a break, you need help or maybe you need more attention, be clear about. It is not fair to be mad at someone for not giving you something you never asked for.  Also, remember, you may have to repeat yourself.  I know it sounds unfair, but some things need to be said, and heard more than once.  It is not selfish to ask for what you want.  

Love Yourself

You can ask your partner to meet your needs in some ways but there are just some things that they cannot do for you. They can love you, they can support you, they can help with daily chores to lessen your load, they can give advice and they can be part of a great conversation.  They can be so many things with and for you. They can even be the type of person that makes you feel good about whom you are, but they cannot make you love you. You have to do that. And, when you do, it is much easier to accept the love they give you.

Listen

I took a class in college on listening.  When I signed up it sounded so intriguing that a professor could fill a whole semester on this one topic, but as I got into it, I learned why. There is so much that goes into really listening and there is a lot of information about how different people listen.  However, I think the most important thing is to remember that hearing and listening are not the same things.  You can hear the words someone is saying without actually listening to and understanding the message, but what is the point? To listen we need to be focused and engaged. I know that we all live in a crazy a world of multitasking and sometimes we are doing something when we are hearing someone talk. That may be alright sometimes, but not when the message is important.  When the message is important, we need to focus. This often means doing things like making eye contact and asking questions. It also means quieting your mind. Many times when someone is talking we are so busy mentally responding that we are not hearing what they say. When you listen, really just listen.  Believe it or not, it is fine to take a few seconds before responding.  

Be Supportive

I recently took a class on Army Resiliency and in one of the topics they talked about not being a “joy thief.”  As I listened to the instructor, I realized, I can be a joy thief!  I think of myself as a responsible realist; I am a practical person who has a good a head on my shoulders.  However, as the lesson was going on, I realized that sometimes that can come off as unsupportive.  Even when our friend, family or co-worker, has an unrealistic idea or plan, it can be quite helpful to find some way to support the person even if we do not support their idea or suggestion.  We can listen, we can tell them what we think is good about it. And instead of just shooting them down, we can ask questions in a way that may help them come to their own, more realistic, conclusion about things.  Also, we can look at things from their point of view.  Just because something may not seem like a good idea to us, does not mean it is not a good idea. If you trust someone, sometimes you have to have enough faith to support them even if it pushes you out of your safety zone.  

Being supportive also means supporting someone’s feelings.  I get upset about things that do not bother my husband and vice versa.  Over the years we have learned to support the other person’s feelings even if we cannot completely relate. This has been a Godsend for our relationship.  

Do Not Try To Change Them

My mom has often said to my sisters and I, “be happy with the man you marry, he is the man you will be married to for the rest of your life.”  People do not change easily. People’s habits change, sometimes people’s beliefs change, but it takes something huge, often life-altering, for a person to change deep down.  Before you go trying to change someone remind yourself what drew you to them in the first place.

Do Not Try To Change Yourself

As I said above, for the most part, people are who they are. That includes you.  You are a special individual that God created.  He loves you for you and so should the important people in your life.  You cannot happily live a lie, nor should you have to.  You are not perfect and that is okay.  There is a difference in wanting to be the best you that you can be and wanting to be someone else.  At the same time, there is a difference in people around you want to help you to be your best and wanting to change who you are.   If your loved ones want you to be someone else, maybe they do not love you they way thry should, maybe they love the concept of you.

Look in the Mirror and Reflect

Every once in a while, we need to take a good look at ourselves and be honest about our behaviors.  Are we happy with what we see?  We expect others to do right by us, but are we really doing right by them? Are we being the best we can be within reason?  We have to cut ourselves some slack, but we also have to be honest.  Relationships take two people. Are we holding up our end of the bargain?  

Be Grateful

Remember to be grateful for the relationships that you have.  God has given us people to love, not to take for granted.  You are blessed and don’t forget it.   Also remember to be grateful for people’s actions.  I know that we all do things every day that no one thanks us for, but wouldn’t it be nice if they did?  Use the golden rule here and be grateful for the small tasks that others do just like you would like them to be grateful for your small tasks.  

Be Open

Remember to be open to new things and ideas.  You may find that you bond with the people in your life if you share some new activities, habits, thoughts, etc.  Also, remember to be open to people in general. You may find your new best friend where you least expect them.