How many kids do you have?

The above is a question that is often asked of parents and for the most part it is innocent.  Other parents are often just trying to find common ground with number of children or with the next questions of gender and age.  I have found, however, that the answer to the, “how many” question can often lead to judgmental looks and inquiring questions if you have a large family (let’s call that more than 4 children) or a small family (only 1 child).

I happen to be on the small end of the spectrum with “just one” child, while my sisters are inching toward the opposite end with 3 or more children a piece.  By January they will each have at least 4.  It is not odd that one of my parents’ 4 daughters are pregnant and often we are pregnant 2 at a time. I also am part of  church and community where large families are pretty much a common place.   

This gets me to my point of the “how many question.”

I notice that when people come across a large family, you can see the questions on their face. Silently they are asking, “Did you want this many?” “Do you know how to prevent this?” “Are you Catholic?” “Are you done?” Instead they something that they perceive to be witty like, “Oh, working on a football/basketball/soccer team, huh?”  Really? Really? That is all you could come up with? I am sure those parents have not heard that before!

To the opposite, I have also noticed that when I tell people that I have one child they ask, sometimes out loud and sometimes in expression, “Oh, just one?” They also may follow with a line of questioning about if I plan to have more; along with a lecture about how a big space creates two “only children.” 

I think people are becoming more sensitive to the fact that couples with no children may have consciously made that choice or it may have been the hand they were dealt.  People seem to SLOWLY get better at not pushing as it might be a very sensitive topic for a couple, especially one that has been hoping for a baby for years.   However, there is also an assumption that just because you have one, you could and should have at least one more.  People don’t realize that that one may have been a miracle and a sibling has been prayed for since that miracle came along. There are also other things that may stop a couple from having siblings for their precious children.  Personal situations are often unknown. 

I guess my point is that we should realize that just as families have made personal choices about schooling, where to live and other life choices, they have also made a choice about the number of children they have, probably for a good reason. And, if they haven’t had the opportunity to make that choice, don’t push them.  Children are an amazing gift that come with a lot of responsibility. Who better knows the right size family for any one couple other than that couple.  You? I doubt it.

Also, before you go assuming that I can’t have another child or that I sulk every night about not having another, I will tell you, neither of those things are true.   I do have some personal things going on that are delaying another child, but we do plan to have more.   Also, no sulking at my house.  At least not about that.  I have a beautiful, wonderful, smart, healthy, happy child who is my world. For that I am grateful. Sure, I hope to have another child one day, but not because I feel like something is missing.  I hope to have another child because my sisters are my best friends and I would love to have that for my little guy.  And, no. I am not too worried about the space causing a lack of friendship. My husband’s best friend is his little brother who is 7 years younger, no siblings in-between.  And lastly, if it doesn’t happen,  that’s what friends are cousins are for, right?



Even as a baby Jacob (in the green) appreciated his cousins.
Too bad some of them hate pictures. Poor things!

*Note, this was originally posted August, 2011.   I now have a beautiful daughter in additional to my son.   When my children play, even at 9months and 7 years-old, I can already see a bond that I know will grow stronger with time.  Surprisingly, I still get asked, "don't you want more?" :)