Thursday, May 22, 2014

How My Parents Helped Sisters Become Friends


So I have these three best friends and they are awesome! We have known each other our whole lives. They are older than I am so we haven’t always had things in common and we have not always gotten along, but we have always loved each other…even when we didn’t like each other.  You see, these three people are my sisters and I do not know what I would do without them.

Now, as a mom, I am getting to watch my children bond and hopefully form a relationship much like the one that I have with my sisters.  Seeming as my kids are not the same gender and have a 6 year gap in age, there will be some differences, but I can already see that have a bond.  Ella, (9 months old) lights up when Jacob (7 years-old) walks into the room.  She already thinks he is the funniest thing on the planet and wants to be near him.  Jacob is a combination of jester and protector.  He loves that he can make her laugh and watches over her.   Don’t get me wrong, he does get annoyed when her needs affect his wants, but at the end of the day, he loves her and she loves him.

Thinking about this made me think about how siblings become friends. I think sometimes things in life push siblings together or pull them apart, but I also think that parents and family have a lot to do with the relationships siblings have.  I am thankful that my parents encouraged my sisters and I to become friends and I hope to emulate them.  Here are some things that I think my parents did to help my sisters grow and stay so close.

1.       They expected us to be close

My parents are big believers in the idea that kids will live up or down to your expectations.  My parents expected us to get along. They knew that we would fight and spend time apart but they expected us to love and respect each other at the end of the day.  How did we know these expectations existed? Well, they would say things like, “She’s your sister and you love each other. We don’t behave that way in this house.”  This was not a question or a suggestion. They were informing us that was just the way it was at our house.

 

2.       We couldn’t say, “I hate you.”  

Well, I guess we could say anything we wanted to on some level, but there were consequences that would have been, well, let’s just say less than desirable.  My parents made it clear that even when we did not get along, we could NOT say, “I hate you.”  There were times when I thought I hated my sisters, or even my parents, and I did not like keeping those thoughts in, but I get it now.   I think if you hear someone tell you they hate you over and over and over, you will begin to believe it.  I rarely, if ever, heard my sisters say they hated me. I did however, hear them say they loved me, and you know what? I believe it!

 
3.       Family dinners

Growing up, our family ate dinner together every night that we could.  Only if we had work, had a pre-approved activity or had permission to eat at a friend’s house were we allowed to miss family dinner.  Whether or not we wanted to, we sat together, shared a meal, and talked about our day.  We learned to share highlights and disappointments and to focus on each other.  No one was allowed to take phone calls and there were no cell phones to text on, so we just built a relationship day in and day out full of love and support. Some of our favorite memories are of that dinner table; telling stories, laughing and even getting in trouble.

 
4.       We didn’t take vacations, we went to visit family

The Sheriff family (that’s my maiden name) did not take typical vacations to the beach or a cabin throughout the year. We spent holidays with my mom’s family and summers with my dad’s family.  Don’t get me wrong, we had fun doing great activities and got to go to Florida every summer, but that was not why we went.  We went to see our grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.  It was important to my parents to see their siblings and their families and help us to create relationships with them.  These vacations also gave us a time to focus on each other.  We rode in a car for hours and then spent 1-3 weeks together.  We complained, we fought, we laughed, and we cried together when it was time to leave.  For that time, we weren’t distracted by homework or friends or boyfriends, we just hung out…together.

 

5.       They taught us to apologize and to forgive

Like most kids, there were times when my sisters and I did not want to say we were sorry and probably just as many times where the words, “that’s okay,” didn’t come so easily either but we still had to say it.  Often when we were little, we may have just said it because we had to, but eventually we learned how important it was to say you are sorry and how nice it was to hear.   Just as important we learned to accept the apology and forgive. What started out as habit turned into something genuine.  I remember it really hitting home one day when I was reminded that in the Lord’s Prayer, a prayer I said every night, I repeatedly said the words, “forgive us our sins as we have forgiven them.” What a powerful statement that we want God to forgive as we do.  I mean, if we do not forgive then what? Hmmm? I could go on and on about how that revelation affected me, but I need to get back on topic.  This act of apologizing and forgiving created a safe environment for my sisters and I. We knew we would mess up and hurt each other’s feelings, but we also knew it would be okay.   We knew that as long as were genuinely sorry, we would be forgiven.  That safety helped to create a place of unconditional love that does not come by so often.  

 
6.       They taught us about God and Jesus

I already alluded to how this knowledge and love of God helped with the forgiveness lesson, but the relationship my parents helped to create with our Lord has an effect on every part of every relationship we have.  Through learning about God and loving him, we learn how to love Him and each other.  Weekly we went to mass together as a family and attended CCD.  We talked about our religion together and found it a topic that came up more and more as we got older. But mostly, our understanding of God’s love for us has helped us to love each other.

 
My Family in 1979.
I am the little one in yellow.
Before anyone gets all offended, please know that I am not suggesting that a lack of family dinners means siblings will hate each other.  I am just sharing the things that my parents did to help.  If you like them and want to incorporate at your house, great!  If something else works for you, that's great also. I am sure there are 100 other things that helped create the bond that my sisters and I share; but I know these lessons, and others that I failed to mention, are a big reason for our closeness.  I am so blessed to have my sisters and I hope to help my two little ones see how blessed they are to have each other.   If something in your life helps you and your siblings to bond, feel free to share.



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