According to Professor Mehrabian, only 7% of our communication is verbal.
Let that sink in.
Facial Expressions Reading facial expressions are something that we learn quite early in our lives. I can look at my young children with a specific look and they know that I am unhappy with their behavior. If we use facial expression in place of words, why would we not expect that our facial expressions have an affect on our message even when we are talking? Sometimes our facial expressions support what we are saying but sometimes they create mixed messages. For example, when we smile while sharing good news, our face supports our message and will make sense to the listener. However, if we share bad news with a smile, it may confuse the listener. Although our intent may be to soften the blow of the news, the listener may think that we are happy about it instead. If you are someone who knows that your face reads like a book, it should be something that you think about when communicating. At the same time, if you are someone who has a poker face, you should also be aware that no expression also sends a message. In either case it is something you should learn about yourself in order to become a better communicator.
Eye Contact Simply put, making eye contact shows interest. When you look at someone while they talk to you, it suggests that you are listening and focused on the conversation. Looking away, however, can send a few messages. By looking away you can convey disinterest, awkwardness, embarrassment or dishonesty. I am not recommending that you stare in a creepy way, but that you make eye contact throughout the conversation. In cases where you really can't make eye contact, let the listener know you are still listening. For example, if you are working on an important email when someone walk into your office doorway, you can let them know that you have to finish this email, but you are listening. You could also offer to talk to them at a time when you are more available to focus on their message.
Body Language and Posture - Body language and posture include stance, hand gestures, head position and so many other things that you may not think about. You should, however, be aware of them or you may find yourself sending messages that you are unaware of. For example, if you stand-up in the middle of a conversation, you may be conveying that you are trying to have the upper hand, when really, you just are headed out of the room. By using large hand gestures, you may be conveying that you are angry or passionate about a subject when you are just a person who talks with their hands. In fact, just a tilt of the head can send a message. A tilt to the side can show confusion, softness or submission while tilting the chin up can show superiority, confidence or arrogance. Many have noted that Hilary Clinton often has her head tilted up to show power while other connect the chin tilt to having your nose in the air. There are also studies that say nodding while talking may encourage agreement. Simple changes in your posture can also change conversation. Tilting slightly forward with your shoulders back may show attentiveness while allowing your shoulders to slump may show submission, weakness or exhaustion. In most cases, it is worth taking a minute to observe your own body language during your communication.
Clothing - I know people hate the idea of judging a book by it's cover, but the truth is that people do look at your clothes and grooming and they send a message. This does not mean that you have to wear a suit everyday (unless it is clear that your comany expects that). It does, mean, however, that if you want to seem put together, you will want to look put together. Things like clean, unwrinkled clothes and brushed hair goes a long way. In some cases, being too dressed up can have a negative affect, as well. Some people may see you as uptight or business-like in a environment that is more laid back. While, I am all for people being themselves, it should also be known that there may be a price to pay for someone who strongly desires a job in a professional business setting but refuses to wear anything but jeans. There is usually a way to dress in a way that is approraite and sends the right message while still adding a bit of your own style.
Tone of Voice - I may have kept this one until last as a Freudian slip because I am HUGE on tone. I have been known to make my 8-year-old repeat himself multiple times until his tone reflects the respect that I think it should. Women tend to focus on tone more than men but it does resonate for both genders. I am sure we have all heard someone say that, "It's not what you said, it is how you said it." Our tone can send a message of excitement, empathy, question, sadness, anger and so many other feelings. Studies have shown that when our words and tone contradict each other, others often believe the tone over the words. Imagine that someone tells us that they are willing to help us move, but their tone is deflated and annoyed. Would you believe their words? Along with the sound of our voice, the stress we put on certain words changing the meaning of a message. Try the below to see what I mean.
It has been said that 10% of conflict is based on actual words while 90% of based on Tone of voice. While I am not sure if that phrase is based on fact, we do know that non-verbal communication is very important. We send so many messages each day without using our words, I find it interesting that we learn to read and write in school and but not how to actually communicate. I guess we will just have to use the world as our teacher and learn from our mistakes. I hope that this post may help you to create at least one less communcation misunderstanding.
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